Everyone says that when you have children your life will change. I don't think I ever could have imagined how true that statement actually is. Yes, I have personally changed, my marriage has changed and my day-to-day life has changed. But I never fully realized how much having children would effect my relationship with the Lord.
Let's start here.....
In my "younger years" I made tons of mistakes. I realize now how selfish I was. Even if I knew the Lord was strongly telling me to walk down one path, if that was not the path I wanted, well, I did not always take it. I knowingly walked into sinful situations time after time. Looking back I can see a pattern of brokenness after every period in my life when my relationship with the Lord struggled. I always grew closer to Him during this time of brokenness, however, I always asked "Lord, why do I have to experience this amount of pain?" I would think "If You can do things like part the Red Sea can't you just teach me this lesson without having me go through so much heartache?"
And then I had kids........
When Campbell first learned to walk I would get so nervous watching her walk around our family room due to the fact that it was not baby-proofed yet. We have an entertainment center in the corner of the room that would easily hurt her if she fell on it. So clearly, she would continually clumsily walk toward the entertainment center. Time after time I would put things in her path to try to distract her. I would pick her up and face her in the other direction. I would even pop her little bottom and try to talk sternly to her. But without fail, she would continue to rebel against me and eagerly walk toward what she knew was off limits. One day I realized that the only way she was going to learn that the entertainment center was dangerous for her to play around was for her to fall and get hurt. So one day I sat on the couch as she pranced on those cute little pudgy legs toward the entertainment center and I held back every impulse to run and save her. It broke my heart. I knew she was going to be in pain. But I also knew that I loved her too much to continue to watch her continually walk towards a dangerous situation. So I sat and watched, just waiting for that moment where she would truly learn. I sat on the edge of my seat just waiting to run and scoop her up and love on her and kiss all of her "boo-boo's" until those tears stopped flowing.
Then I understood.
The Lord never wanted to see me in pain. He just wanted me to truly learn. I realize now those times when He was allowing me to experience brokenness were times when He was loving me in a deep and intimate way. He was drawing me away from my sin and toward Him. Away from danger and toward safety. I realize that not only did He not want to see me hurt, it absolutely broke His heart. He was waiting to come and scoop me up and love on me and kiss all of my "boo-boo's" until those tears stopped flowing.
Praise Him.
Thank you, Lord, for what You teach me through my children.
